The Alpha and the Omega 3 Benefits

Skills: Hunting, gathering, eating much meat in one sitting, spear throwing

Pre-requisits: Grok lead four hand of men to lion den, kill many lion, Grok feast with many women for killing of lion. Grok learn horn music, blow horn long and loud to warn of danger, Grok make many music horn for many men, men respect Grok for such horn makingship. Grok skilled in negotiationship, always carry large club to win negotions against other men, Grok special ability to overcome tricky other negotiators with clever tongues by excellent use of large club. Grok stubborn, Grok now ability at stubborn important in business. Grok have 2 years as executive assistant for Morgan Stanley Dean Whitter.

Applying for Position: Top Executive. Grok want be top executive. Grok believe company needs diversify by hiring more neanderthal and less white male. Executive America run by too many rich white male and not enough Grok.

I am applying to be your heiress!

What:
I have read about you in the news (that’s right, I read Forbes Magazine AND the Wall Street Journal!). It has been my life long dream to be the heiress of a rich and powerful old man, so that I might be part of his wonderful life. I will take this job seriously and will spend the money wisely and invest and save as well as spend. I have learned through Google that you have no children, and thus no place to allocate your money once you die. If you allocate your money to me, I will fulfill all the duties of an heiress, and ensure your money does not disappear once you die.

Who:
Me, silly!

Why:
Because I am diligent, a good worker, skilled, talented, I have skilled abilities, and usefill work standards, I am a talented working person who knows how to get things done, and I am a self starter! I am fully capable, and efficient in my working and duties and skill talents. Here are some of my…

OUTSTANDING Qualifications:
+Skilled Worker
+Talented Abilities
+Self Starter
+Capable

How:
I am 27 years old and have met many other heiresses in the last four years of my life. I live near West Hollywood, where all the best heiresses go to hang out. I know the meaning of being an heiress, and will gladly accept the responsiblity.

I hope to hear back from you before you die!

Here are the other websites I have applied to: Washboard abs, benefits of vitamins, and damage control.

834-555-2038
1488 Celmathia Court
Artfea, Caprica 93057A3

Position Sought:
Cylon

Work Experience:
8 Years reprogramming, human adjustment robot
12 years bio-adaptation adjustment robot
763 years box loader robot

Processing Education:
Programmed with cell regeneration education software
upgraded sci-networking software
infiltration software, benzo diablate edition

Leadership experience:
None

Awards:
Tier 2 box loader award, 387th place (out of 48 million)
Fancy cat food award for cat food poetry contest, Caprica cat food invitational

Other Skills:
Adept at “Find People and Kill Them” methods
light orthorexia nervosa knowledge

Seeking:
Full Time Employment as Junior Cartographer in 7th Level Cartography Inc.

Work Experience:
+3 Years Assistant Cartographer, sword swallower, 3rd Level Cartography Inc.

+2 Years Firefighter, 38th precinct, Brooklyn, NY.

+4 Years Field Guide for “Hell’s Canyon” lava pit, Saoul

+2 Years Server at Denny’s

Education:
Dante’s school for gifted Acolytes - Bachelor’s in Demonology

PHD in terminal repentence psychology - Colgate

Post Doctorate with the advanced institute of flays and thumbscrews, Scottsborough

Skills:
Demon Taming
Walking on hot coals
Digging through lava
Fending the hordes of Hell while mapping the topography of 5000+ plus geology
Short order cooking

Note:
Gentlemen,
I have been with the 3rd level cartography team long enough to map 18% of Level 3 Hell. Our team made the famous “Charlemaine in Ice” discovery. I am confident my abilities of cartography will benefit your elite team on their expedition through level seven and any lower levels that may follow.
-Sincerely
 Hell’s Cartographer, Roland Von Braustenberghermeyer

Special Special Note:
Please visit the best antioxidant and vitamin information after you have read my resume. Thank you for your consideration.

888-555-YOOP
34 West Lazinger Street
Yodelstown, VA 52976

Education

8th Grade achievement: Certificate of Graduation from Yodelstown Middleschool (1994)
3 Months: Neal Harris Autobody Repair school (no degree aquired) (2001)

Work Experience

Janitor: Neal Harris’ Auto Repair Shop (1999-2001)
Assistant Substitute Teacher: Lincoln-Yodel day care (2002-2003)

Skills

Fast Walker
Counting
Reading
Partial Writing
Good Eyes

Languages
Virginia

Seeking Position
United States Congressman

Available References
Damage Control Master Formula Website: browsed thoroughly
How to Relieve Stress Website: took a good look at and left a comment on.

Position Desired:
Chief Dynamiter

Education:
BA in dynamitology, hand-thrown concentration (3.6gpa)
Brigham Young University, 1997

MBA in the business of blowing shit up (3.2pga)
Wharton, 2001

Experience:
Dynamiting Layman (1995-1997) Offshore Explosive Fishing Company, Inc.

Columnist for “That Blows!” Monthly magazine (2001-present)

Chief Dynamite Rigger, Baddass Assassins Club (2002-2004)

Host of E! Entertainment Weekly (2005)

Skills:
Making shit explode

Languages:
English
Spanish
Miner